Kairos

What just happened?
What was this feeling I felt?
Why am I breathing shallowly?
What was I just thinking?
Was I thinking at all?

What was this feeling?
Was it peace?
Was I a baby again?
Did this endless battle of me against me end?
Did it not just all make sense?

Did I become god-like?
Full in control?
Or did I let the uncontrollable not control me?

A dream!

Was I dreaming?
Lucid, vivid
And so,
Was I sleeping?
How long did it last?
It didn’t feel like it though, did it?

But

Was I happy?

Why am I perplexed?
Why do I want to know?

It’s gone now, isn’t it?

Was I happy?
Was I sad?

Let me touch my face, my cheeks are cold, is it the drying sweat?
Are your cheeks cold too?
The temperature seems comfortable, right?
Was I aware of my senses?

Maybe I wasn’t feeling anything.
But what is this feeling when you feel nothing?

But my mind is empty.
Is my mind made of matter?
Did I even matter?

I feel like I’m sick
Why is my breath getting shaky?

How is your breathing?

Was I me?
Was I alive?
What does it mean to be alive?
Alive means to breathe
To eat and excrete
Does that mean that,
Just changing its meaning could make a stone come alive?

Is it that simple?
Who says a stone isn’t alive?
What made me think of a stone?
Was it random?
Did I see a stone?

Do I have any bruises?
Do I have bruises I can’t see?

Or was that stone thought random?
Nothing is ever random, is it?

Didn’t you notice?
Just how a little pill can make you feel better, make you feel worse?
Alleviates a headache
Causes a miscarriage
Death

There is this safeness in death.
Did I feel safe?
Is that how you feel when you die?

I am the animals I killed for their flesh
The fruits I harvested for their flesh
I ate them

And

I have the knowledge I was taught
I am the stories I have experienced

I have changed you, you have changed me.
You are part of me, I am part of you.

It’s a cycle, a swirl
I recompose you, you recompose me.

Does that not make us one?

So?

Why do we pretend we are not?
I have the same value as that stone, that animal, that fruit.

Why am I suddenly feeling guilty?
What am I guilty of?
Oh
–
I know
If you knew, I’d feel ashamed.
I am still haunted by the ghosts of my past..
Are you not too?

WAIT

My thoughts are drifting away again.

But
If such a small change can make such a big difference
What happened that put me in that state?
Was that even a state?
What was that?

I gasp.

A tear?

I feel heavy.
I feel sad.
I feel…
lost.

I need to understand!

I don’t know how long it’s been, did it just happen?
Did it even..happen?

Why did it make me feel that way?

Why am I breathing heavily now?
It’s almost like I’m, I’m in distress, am I?

Are you, too?

How is your breathing?

If I stop thinking what I am thinking, right now?
Will I stop thinking?
–
Can I stop thinking?

But my mind feels empty.

But why am I feeling uneasy?
Why is the silence getting louder?

Let me hum, hum…………..
–
Was I humming a song I know?
Which song do you think that was?
Are you humming it too?

No?

Why not?

When was the last time you hummed something?
Why did you stop?
Wait

Again

I’m not focusing.

I’m not hungry, but was I?

Are you?
Would knowing make me hungry?

NO
–
Deep breaths
–
NO

Silence!
Voices in my head, SHUT UP!
–
But
My mind is empty.

Which means what I felt wasn’t emptiness. Right?

Are you empty too?
I wonder if you’re feeling the same way that I am.

HEY!

Was it love?

But it felt nothing like it
Love is loud
It’s constructive
Destructive
It turns to pain, to hate, to sadness, to anger, to grief.
I know all these feelings.

Why did I think of the bad feelings only?
Must it be that..?
Are they the only ones I have known?

What about you?

Sigh..

Am I just trying to put a name on this.. THING?

Is there even a word for it?

If I can’t remember what it was, how can I name it?
Love?
If it’s not you, then what is it?

I don’t even know how I am feeling now..

Had I hacked my mind?
This did not happen, did it?
I made it up. I had to.

And
If I am here, why do I feel I am not?